Don't want my parents to read this blog, so I will use English to write this one.
Haven't seen you guys for a very long time since I don't want to complain anything, I know it's useless.
I argued with my GF tonight. We've got some health problems, and she insisted to see a doctor. I said, if you wanna see a doctor, just go I won't go to see one. That's all...
This is the first time for her to be so mad. I felt scary very much. So I calmed her down, and let her to sleep.
I don't think I was wrong. Actually, this argument really made me to make a decision which is I want to drop my degree and earn some money first. After she graduate, I will continue study.
Why did I make that decision?
OK, let me tell you something about my life.
I hadn't felt so lonely until I entered the 3rd year. To be honest, I feel so helpless. Bolei, Kendal, etc. are not doing these fking cs courses anymore, which means there is nobody for me to ask. Frankly, I'm not a smart guy to do CS. I tried my best and wanted to make some progress. But I failed and failed, finally, I lost my confidence. Even when I want to read some notes, textbooks, I don't have any confidence to do so. Moreover, evne if I try to do that, I still can't understand what's going on and I can't do the assignments myself.
That's barely a thing in my life. I mean, if there are only some problem in my studys, that's ok. I can get through this. However, my life sucks as well. I have to work almost everyday. I don't know exactly how many people ask me not to work so much. I told them, I had to. Otherwise, I have nothing to eat, no where to live. I can't blame this to my parents after they did some much for me. But I still can't have a good life for studying to be honest.
Think about it. You have like 3k in your bank account, and you can earn 250 bucks a week, but you know, it's not enough to make a living. All you can do is sitting in your fking chair, and watch your balance decreasing... Furthermore, I want to give my GF a better life style evne she doesn't want it. I have to consider to many things, marriage, study, money, kids, dog etc. The most important thing is, I really can't understand what's going on in my studys. And this loneliness just drive me crazy. You know, when you feel lonely, you look forward to a friend to help you. In my life, there is none. And do you know what makes it worse? I can't tell my life to anybody. I know even if I told my parents my life, they will just ask me to hang on and continue which I really can't!!!!!!!
BTW, do you know why do I don't wanna see a doctor? Because I don't want to waste my money on it! I have to save it and use it for food, for the rent of the house !!! What the hell is my life?! Can you guys image what I am suffering from? Yes, Money!!! 都说万恶淫为首，我要说，万恶钱为首！ Without money, you can do nothing! Don't tell me there are lots of people do well in studying while they're doing some part-time. I know what I am and who I am. I'm not that smart to handle these two thing together! Before, I just obeyed my parents to hang on. But tonight I found out, no matter how hard I try, I just can't handle it. Moreover, I can't understand the shits in the 3rd year CS courses!!! I rather going to the chicken factory and cut chicken.
I'm getting bald in these two years. I give up finding doctors for two years. Everyday, my teeth are bleeding. I know, my body is going worse, but I don't care. Actully, the last thing I still concern is my GF. But tonight, after I have hang on two years, I still have to give in to my life. Yes, you win sir. I'm just a loser! Satisfy now??! Then give me some strength to make a living.
ok, from now on, I will use Chinese again.
突然写了很多。这几年的苦楚，无处说，我也无能为力。本来辛苦点，我也就认了，但是到了现在，我发现原来自己还是懦弱的。面对这样的生活，除了放弃，我不知道还有没有其他的路可以走。我怕再这么下去，除了自杀我别无选择。那么在那之前，让我先好好过一段日子吧。这种日子，真的比坐牢还痛苦。坐牢还有个盼头，我呢？还有那个未来吗？继续这么读下去？我tm还要读多久？！读完以后我能tm找到工作就我这jb成绩？！更别说，我现在是狗p都读不懂，还要没人帮忙。大一大二的时候，虽然也不懂，但是至少，作业有朋友教教，考试，有朋友帮忙复习。这学期，除了日语，我tm都学了什么jb出来？！这还读个毛啊？247.5一个礼拜，房租135一个礼拜，水电网电话煤气40，50一个礼拜，吃饭怎么办？生活怎么版？我tm怎么办？！是，我没文凭是tm找不到好工作。但是，这么过下去，我tm连能否活下去都不知道，还找个jb工作啊？！更别说，我tm能毕业吗？就我这p都不懂。是，我可以自己看，自己学，我也得有兴趣，有这个头脑才能学下去啊？我有吗？周一，空闲，学一下，周二，晚上上班，周三，下午上班，周四，晚上上班，周五休息以下，周六早上晚上上班，周日，晚上上班。这期间，我还要考虑回家吃饭这些jb问题。我tm即使想在学校看会书都不可能。有谁觉得自己下午3点钟上班，早上还能一大早跑去学校看书，下午再搭车回家上班的？更何况，车票不要钱吗？再说了，现在我不懂，我tm问谁去？问老师？就这jb老外，你怎么问？即使跟你解释吧，你还不是听不懂。更何况，也没法问一些特白痴，特基础的问题不是？难道我作业不会做，也去找老师一步一步问？即使是同学，就我身边的这些，有谁是愿意这么跟你讲题的？靠自己？先不说懂不懂的问题，我得tm有时间才行啊。好不容易有点mood想看了，晚上要上班。上完回来，谁tm还能有mood去学习呢？我不是超人，我也只是个普通人而已。再说，我也23了，再这么读下去，难道要我25岁以后毕业？还要拿着全p+几个f的成绩单去找工作？
算了吧。就tm这样吧。明天我就去问问怎么drop掉一门课，这jb玩意真没法学。即使不要学费，我也学不下去了，反正，即使这么搞下去，期末也肯定是要fail的。
就这样吧，头疼的很。上床试试，反正也不一定睡得着。
各位同志们多保重，别jb混的跟我一个操行。想起来就tm闹心